Vivian Dodge, executive director of Chapters Health Hospice of the Keys, joined Good Morning Keys on KeysTalk 96.9/102.5FM yesterday morning to talk about how to handle loss.
Death of a loved one is so difficult.
Dodge said, “Quite often we hear of someone’s death, and we want to offer condolences, and we all have well meaning intentions, but sometimes we find ourselves at a loss for words. Expressing our thoughts is certainly that delicate dance. We’re all a little unsure of what to say to someone who has just experienced the death of a loved one or friend and neighbor or relative. Finding the right words is not always easy and sometimes we have a little feeling of awkwardness. We all want to be helpful and everyone tries to say something that is supportive, and as hard as it is to find the right word, sometimes just giving a little verbal pick me up and showing sympathy can just make the world of difference.”
What are some examples of the verbal pick me ups?
Dodge said, “There are a few phrases that I like to use. One of them is, I love you, and I’m here for you. It’s just a gentle reminder that that person is not alone and they’re loved and can help ease at some of the weight they’re carrying. Another one I try to use is, I don’t exactly know what to say, but I’m thinking of you. Most people, I think, appreciate that sincerity over trying to come up with a cliche line. Another verbal pick me up is I can’t imagine how you’re feeling, but whatever emotions you’re experiencing, are the right ones for you at this time. There’s no judgement. It makes the person feel like it’s okay, if I’m crying or cranky, or happy or sad, or whatever I am today, just very non judgmental.”
What are some things that should not be said?
Dodge said, “Again, we all try to offer support in the way we know best and it’s ironic that sometimes our words are not the most helpful to a grieving person. So let me give you some examples. Here are some phrases to avoid: saying to someone, they’re in a better place, he or she is in a better place, or stay strong or be brave. Telling someone to be brave or stay strong might seem like words of encouragement, but actually, these sentiments, as well intentioned as they are, put more pressure on someone who’s already feeling vulnerable. Some other things and we’ve all said them, I’m guilty of it too. A couple of more are things like at least he’s no longer suffering. Or they lived a long life, or you’ll move on and time. Another one I hear often is you have to let things go. That might be okay to say if you’re in a yoga class, but not to a grieving person. They may seem like such innocent phrases, but what happens is they can be hurtful and dismiss someone’s pain they’re feeling and we’re all guilty of saying all these things.”
Are there other tips for someone grieving a death?
Dodge said, “Don’t make it about ourselves. For example, many people will say, I know just how you feel. No, you don’t. You may have had a loss in your own life and that was your experience, but that’s not how that person feels. Or something like, oh, when my brother died, and you go on, blah, blah, blah. The point is to focus on that person. So ask them, how are you doing? Don’t worry about what happened in your life. Another one is don’t give unsolicited advice. It’s tempting. But it can be unwelcome. What do I mean by that? Oh, you should sell your property. Oh, you should do XYZ. Unless they ask you for that advice, you shouldn’t give it.”
What are some positive ways to help?
Dodge said, “First and foremost, offer condolences. That’s important. Then say things like, I’m incredibly saddened to hear about George’s death. I’m sorry for your loss, I’m here for you. I’m thinking of you and sending my love and support. Other words to offer might be, oh, David and I are really saddened by the news of Jeannette’s death or I’m here for you at any time, if you want to talk. Or it might be something like, John was a wonderful person, and I’m so sorry to hear about his death. Or more importantly, just give him a hug. Just give him a hug.”
What about saying our thoughts and prayers are with you?
Dodge said that is fine. She said, “Don’t think of it as saying the wrong thing. It’s just trying to reframe our phrases a little bit.”
What do individuals need most at this time?
Dodge said, “What they need is guidance and empathy and not to forget them. After someone has experienced the death of a loved one or family, the surviving person may feel lonely or isolated, which is a very common emotion. Maybe offer to do help with daily chores and errands. It’s a great way to ease their stress. Say things like, let me do XYZ for you. How does that sound? Or if they don’t have the energy to go grocery shopping, or cook, let me bring tacos over on Saturday. I’m not sure if that’s something that would be helpful, but let me know. Or offer to do something for them specific. Can I drive you to your next doctor’s appointment? If you say things like, call me if you need anything, means well, but my experience in 20 years of hospice is that nobody calls you unless you say, Mary, let’s go for a cup of coffee today, I’m going to come visit you would that be alright? Or I’m going to the grocery store, can I pick something up for you? What’s on your list? A little more concrete keeps that person from wondering, should I bother them? Should I not bother them? Should I call them? And I think that’s a little bit easy.”
It’s also okay if you don’t say anything at all.
Dodge said, “I just want to remind everyone that it’s okay. You don’t have to say anything. Maybe come up to them in the grocery store and you give them a hug and you look them in the eyes. You don’t have to carry on a conversation all the time. Another pointer is sometimes we don’t know whether to bring up the death or not. I would always err on the side of at least acknowledging the death and then go back to your sayings, like, I’m thinking of you, I know this must be difficult time for you. Many people won’t bring up the death of their spouse or brother or loved one or partner, because they don’t know what to say. So it’s better if we say, I’m at a loss for words. I love you. I’m thinking of you. Know I’m here for you. Rather than ignore the event and speak from the heart. If you speak from the heart, even if the words are not quite right, it’s that sentiment that’s what really comes forth, that’s what’s most important.”